Identifying & Avoiding the Four Horsemen in Relationships

The Four Horsemen

You’ve probably heard about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament. In the New Testament they depict the end of times using metaphors to represent conquest, war, hunger, and death. Dr. John Gottman, of Seattle’s Gottman Institute, has created a metaphor using the Four Horsemen to predict the end of relationships based on communication patterns. He has labeled the four different patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism

You’re probably thinking criticism is necessary to a healthy relationship: if you don’t tell someone your issues with their behavior they’ll never learn or change. And that is correct in a way. The difference is in the approach to how you communicate your thoughts and struggles. Rather than using criticism we suggest using a complaint instead. Criticism is an attack on the person themselves, their character. Where as a complaint is more about the specific behavior and how it impacts you. Think back to the idea of using “I” statements.

For example, “I feel frustrated when I find your dirty clothes next to the laundry basket rather then in the basket." As opposed to a criticism: “You never put your dirty clothes where I ask. You make me feel so frustrated.”

Additionally, couples can get in the habit of using criticism more and more and that will eventually lead to contempt which is far deadlier for relationships.

Contempt

While criticism attacks your partners character, contempt is far more dangerous and lethal to a relationship - it assumes a position of superiority over them as well. Contempt is being truly cruel and mean. It uses sarcasm, name calling, ridiculing, and mocking to hurt your partner. Contempt is usually fueled by long held negatives thoughts about your partner. Additionally, it is the single greatest predictor of divorce so it’s important to eliminate it from your relationship if you begin to find yourself treating your partner in such a manner. An example of a contemptuous statement is:

“You’re tired? All you did was stay home with the kids all day and play with them. That’s easy. My job is way more important and stressful. I need a break when I get home, not to help you out. I provide everything for you. God, could you be any more pathetic? What more do you want from me?”

As you probably noticed, it’s quite harsh. Sometimes it can be more subtle. But the effect is the same. It makes your partner feel worthless, small, and less than. It can even lead to abusive situations in some cases.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When one feels attacked it’s easy to become defensive. In fact, at some point almost everyone has been defensive in their lives. Additionally, it’s almost always present when a relationship is on the rocks. Unfortunately, using defensiveness doesn’t usually work how we’re hoping as it only tells our partner we’re not taking their concerns seriously. Here is an example:

Partner 1: “Hey, did you take out the trash tonight like I asked?'“

Partner 2: “You know I’ve been busy all evening working on this project in the garage, why didn’t you just take it out yourself rather than hounding me?”

As you see above, the defensive person turned it around and used reverse blame to make it appear it’s their partners fault. Defensiveness does not allow for healthy conflict or communication and can instead escalate the situation.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one is feeling attacked so they withdraw from the situation in an attempt to avoid conflict. They may shut down, stop listening, become distracted with anything else, or literally move away from the situation and their partner. Once someone gets in the habit of stonewalling it’s not easy to stop. They become physiologically flooded and their body goes into fight or flight mode (choosing flight). Instead they should request a “time out” or a break with an agreed upon time to return to the conversation. Stonewalling can create a cycle of escalation as the partner being ignored can begin to attack louder and harder to feel heard which will then cause the other to avoid and stonewall even more.

What to do?

If you’re experiencing any of these in your relationship, reach out to a couples therapist. It does not necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. It does however, mean things need to be worked out in a safe space. A therapist could be a great mediator to keep conversations healthy and safe as you work through your issues to avoid contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness.

For more information on Dr. John Gottman and his world renowned research and institute please visit his website at: www.gottman.com